Rigging the Hard Drive
by reraimu
Summary: Dib starts to like having his little encounters with Zim's Computer. WARNING: CRACK PAIRING. Slash. Computer/Dib.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Rigging the Hardrive**

**Author: Tweekerz (formally known as Sesshyfanchick)**

**Rated: T**

**Pairing: ComputerxDib CRACK PAIRING WARNING.**

**Summary: Dib starts to like having his little encounters with Zim's Computer. WARNING: CRACK PAIRING. Slash. Computer/Dib.**

**A/N: Okay, this is purely crack. I've been known to slash many strange things, and this is just one of them. I've been taking a liking to Computer—hm. Enjoy this cracktastic fic. PLEASE NO FLAMES.**

**Rigging the Hardrive**

* * *

**/What are you doing?/**

Dib gasped and nearly dropped his spy camera, clutching it to his chest in a meager attempt to preserve his pride. He shakily threaded his fingers through the soft black tufts of his hair and warily turned around, dropping his arms to his side. Amber optics hurriedly scanned the vacant premise of Zim's lab, before grimly realizing that he had forgotten to take Zim's computer into account. Dib pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, a breathy sigh escaping from his parted lips.

"Great, just great," Dib muttered to himself, kicking at an invisible speck of dust. In his rush to sneak into Zim's lab, he had unfortunately failed to remember Zim was equipped with an intelligent talking computer. Who the hell forgets that? "Stupid, stupid, stupid."

**/…/**

Dib tilted his head awkwardly and fiddled with the tapered hem of his shirt, looking up once again at the looming computer monitor just a little ways ahead of him. The screen was quite blank and radiated an eerie, luminous white light- so bright in fact that Dib had to squint. The faint crackle and hum of static permeated the atmosphere, alien wire and tubing laced about the monitor like Christmas decorations, and Dib had to fight the urge to shiver.

Sometimes Zim's lab was creepy.

"Um, Computer?" Dib started pathetically, the tone of his voice tentative. He peered up at the thing and shifted his weight. "Could you like, not mention this to Zim by any chance?"

**/-sigh- Why?/**

Dib stared up at Computer dumbfounded, not at all eager to supply an answer. There was a simple response to the question, an answer that would require a plethora of elongated speeches on Dib's part, however the young investigator didn't really feel like elaborating the details: he just wanted to plant this last spy camera and be on his merry little way. Maybe if he got done quick enough, he'd be back in time for Mysterious Mysteries 4.0. He hoped Gaz wouldn't decide to be a douche this time and cancel his scheduled recording.

**/I'm waiiiiiiiiiting./**

Dib bit at his lip. "Um, because…because I don't want him to know?"

**/I've heard better./**

"Because it would be bad if he knew?"

**/Try again./**

"Because if he knew, he'd rip out all my cameras and my mission to save the Earth would be ultimately thwarted?"

**/Hmm. Plausible./**

"So, are you gonna' let me slide?" Dib asked meekly, shuffling his feet about the ground. The tip of his boot accidentally skidded across a strewn taco wrapper. Dib's fingers practically gouged into the hard surface of his spy camera, hoping beyond hope that Computer would let him get away with it.

Just this time, just this one teensy-weensy time—.

**/Get out Dib./**

The teen let out a lengthy groan of "awwww man" and dejectedly hung his head, shooting a feral glare up at the computer monitor. He clutched the camera to his side and swiftly turned around, heading back the way he came.

He halted.

"Hey, y-you know my name?" Dib asked quizzically, bemused.

Computer ignored him.

**

* * *

**

It had been a week since he had last been here.

Dib stood awkwardly outside Zim's front door, rolling his eyes at the toilet placard still hanging crudely from a dingy nail poking out the door. Really, hadn't anyone found the placard strange after all these years? The teen sighed and shook his head, running the palm of his hand down the length of his face: the people he was forced to mingle with were entirely too stupid and ignorant for their own good, so no, of course they wouldn't have found the sign outlandish.

He quickly shot a glimpse at the deactivated lawn gnomes behind him, smirking at his handy-work—a little electric jolt to their internal wiring was all he needed to shut them down long enough for him to make it through the front door.

If he was even going to get inside, that is.

Dib sighed, straightened his shoulders, and promptly rung the doorbell. He knew no one was home, had planned it that way, for Zim and Gir were both on another outing to the local pharmacy to purchase a month's supply of paste, but he had hoped that maybe _something else_ would let him in. After a moment's worth of silence, static churned the air and an audible garbled clip followed after.

**/Whaaaaaaaaaaat?/**

Dib choked. "C-computer?"

**/…/**

Dib chose the pungent silence as an opportunity. "Hi, it's me again. Could you let me inside please?"

**/What for?/**

"I want to ask you something," Dib began, clasping his hands together.

**/Nope./**

"I swear, I just want to ask you a question!" the teen placated, throwing his hands in front of him as an indication of submission. He gulped as he hastily thought up of a way to phrase what he needed. "Please, I just want to ask you something, and as soon as I'm done, you can kick me out! Deal?"

**/-sigh-/**

"Is that a yes?" Dib pleaded, biting at his lip. He heard a tumult of clicks and clacks resound from behind the door, and in a matter of seconds, the door flew open and Dib was left to stare at the eerie innards of Zim's house. With a flush to the face, Dib hastily meandered in. The door shut with a rigid click behind him.

The inside of the house looked the same as it did the last time, the linoleum flooring still covered with a thick coating of grime, courtesy of Gir, however oddly enough, Dib found that the rest of the place smelt sterile and clean, like a hospital. The teen grimaced—he loathed the smell of hospitals, they always tend to make him anxious.

**/Okay. What's your question?/**

Dib was startled from his musings by the staticy clip of Computer's voice module. The CP's tone sounded decidedly bored and lethargic, which Dib wondered at—how could a computer get bored? It had the entire Internet at its fingertips and could easily access a wealth of knowledge in a nanosecond, and of course, it was alien machinery. Dib straightened himself and peered around him, hoping to come across something he could actually converse with.

"I can't see you," Dib muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. "It's a bit awkward just speaking to the air."

**/Don't you do that all the time?/**

"Well, I wouldn't if—hey! That was uncalled for!" Dib huffed, looking up at the ceiling in hopes of spotting a hanging computer monitor. He heard the computer sigh to itself, an expression so bored-sounding that it made Dib yawn, and in a split second a ceiling tile swiftly slid open and out slithered a sizeable computer monitor attached to a jointed alloy bar, the screen glowing an eerie white.

**/Is this better?/**

Dib shifted his weight. "Uh yeah, actually, it is thanks. So anyway…"

**/Hm?/**

As the teen struggled to speak, he felt a blooming heaviness settle firmly at the base of his throat. He didn't quite know why he was so hesitant to say it, but it seemed his nerves were getting the best of him.

"First of all, um, thanks for not telling Zim that I snuck in," Dib started, his voice tapering at the end. "I mean, I assumed you didn't because he didn't rant at me in school the other day and stuff…well yeah, thanks I guess."

**/Hn./**

He was grateful that the computer had failed to mention his little reconnaissance mission to Zim, and later that night when he had returned home from the little encounter with the computer, Dib couldn't help but wonder why it had called him by his actual name, instead of the usual "human" or "Big-Head-Boy". He had never really spoken with the thing before, never really had any encounters with it besides the one last week, and they were hardly on friendly terms—if a computer could even be sociable.

**/You were going to ask a question?/**

"Oh yeah!" Dib quickly replied, licking his lips. "The other day, you called me by my name…why?"

**/…You should leave now. Zim and Gir are on their way over. They forgot to bring money with them./**

"What?" Dib questioned. He never got to voice any of his projected protests, for a slithering cable meandered its way down from the ceiling and wrapped around Dib's wrist, further ushering the boy towards the front door. The wire tubing felt cold and smooth against Dib's skin, and he couldn't help but let an unintentional shudder course through him.

The door swished open in a fluid motion and as soon as Dib set foot out the door, the cable unwound from his wrist and slinked back into the ceiling. Before he knew it, another computer monitor retracted from somewhere beyond the front door and halted inches away from the human's face, the monitor glowing an uncanny white. Dib could practically feel the heat radiating from the screen, tinting his cheeks a rosy red hue, before Computer's voice module trilled.

**/Next time./**

And the door slammed shut.

* * *

**A/N: I'm not really sure if I should continue this one-shot and make a series of Computer/Dib one-shots. I hope I've converted someone.**

**Anyway, review and tell me what you think. If you're into this kind of stuff, should I continue? I KNOW THIS IS CRACK, JUST DEAL.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So I think I will continue this, but it's going to continue as this bizarre chapter story instead of the one-shot idea. I'm just going to explore this pairing a little more and see where it takes me. **

**Anyway, here's the next chapter! Thank you to those that reviewed!**

* * *

"Gaz, do we have any snacks?"

Dib shut the refrigerator door and leaned against it, cocking his head towards his sister who was busy texting away on her phone. He stared at her, studying the way she sat hunched over the table, her cell nestled within the swell of her lap while the jagged strands of her purple hair framed her face. She visibly flinched, but paid no heed to his question and continued typing furiously away at her keyboard, pink tongue lolling out in concentration.

"Umm, hellooooo. Gaz?"

Dib grimaced when he heard her let loose a guttural growl, the type of snarl that promised pain if he continued to bug her, and with a dismal sigh Dib slinked away from the kitchen and ventured upstairs to his room. He could go without snacks, he guessed; besides—he had a stash of candy bars hidden inside a pillowcase in his room, he could always satiate his cravings with those.

When he got to his room, he shut the door softly behind him and let another sigh escape his lips, before he traipsed over to his bed and threw himself over it. The length of his legs spilled over the edge of his mattress, dangling amid the air, while his fingers busied themselves by fiddling with the corners of his pillow. He flipped himself onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, lethargically blinking his eyes, before an abrupt sound made his body spasm.

Dib hesitantly sat up from his bed, idly resting back on the palms of his hands as he scanned the premise of his room. It was still as cluttered as ever, he noted, taking a mental note to attend to it later in the future. Over the years, his room had gotten even more crowded than it had been. He had eventually replaced many of his old hard drives and spy equipment with newer, more novel trinkets, while countless many computer monitors decorated the walls like posters. His room had a dingy, malevolent glow to it, as if overshadowed with an hint of obscurity, but he wouldn't have it any other way—it sort of matched his persona, he could say.

A whirring noise startled him from the brief lapse into his thoughts and had him scanning the base of his room yet again, eyes warily darting across the motley mix of computer gadgetry. It sounded familiar, the noise, like the sound of a hard drive booting up.

He found it odd—none of his computers were on, astonishingly. And then, in the time it took him to blink, a customary sized computer monitor lit up at the farthest corner of his room, the eerie white screen glowing malignly. The light lit up his room and shadows danced across his face, the hairs at the nape of his neck standing on end as goosebumps prickled along the length of his arms.

"Creepy," Dib whispered deftly, before a clipped voice sounded from the monitor.

_**/Transmission Sending. Sending. Receiving. Configuring. Online./**_

Dib anxiously peered about his room yet again, spooked by the sudden robotic-like voice. He hastily scrambled off his bed, taking a defensive stance near the center of his room as his hazel eyes trained on the glowing screen in the corner.

**/Hn./**

"Whaaa-!" Dib yelped, shivers wracking across his body. He opened his mouth and tried to form a few words, perhaps a sentence or two, but he found that he couldn't. His lips trembled whenever he opened them and his fingers were fidgeting along with his rising panic, leaving him a chaotic mess of quivering human flesh.

"C-computer?" the teen asked guardedly, taking a tentative step towards the gleaming monitor.

**/Dib./**

Taken aback, Dib took another step closer, his panic ultimately seeping away. How in the heck did Computer manage to tap into his…computer? Everything about the whole circumstance screamed perverse, psychotic, _invasion of privacy_—fucking **creepy, **and the young investigator found himself reeling at the idea. What if Computer could hack into something else?

Dib grimaced.

"Um, how are you in my computer?" Dib questioned, bemused. He stood loftily in front of the white screen, the steady glow radiating against his face and illuminating his gloomy countenance. "Uhh, it's been a while."

**/It has./**

Dib shuffled his feet, the pads of his fingers drumming against his thigh. He tilted his head to the side, his glasses going askew, before licking his lips. "But really, how'd ya' get in here?"

**/…**

**…****You forget./**

"What?"

**/Irken machinery./**

"So?" There was a pregnant pause that seemed to stifle the atmosphere, Dib growing more fidgety and antsy by the second.

**/I can do…anything./**

"O-oh, you can h-huh?" Dib countered, fumbling his words. The corners of his lips quirked into a small smile, despite the nervous feeling churning at the pit of his stomach. The way Computer said it made it sound so…devious, or something like that. Dib didn't know what to say, or feel for that matter. In an act of audaciousness, Dib took a concluding step towards the monitor before halting right in front of it, outstretching a pale hand. With the point of his index finger, Dib pressed the digit against the screen, the pad of his finger instantaneously heating up. He kept it there, reveling in the warmth that shot up his finger and coursed throughout the rest of his arm, before the heat seemed to double and consequently singed him.

"Ow!" Dib cried, immediately jerking back. He pressed the digit to his lips in hopes of trying to sooth the simmering burn. He narrowed his eyes and cast a curt glare at the monitor, taking a cautious step away from it. "That kinda' hurt."

**/My bad./**

"Hmph," Dib grumbled with a roll of his eyes, turning away. He trekked across the room to his bed, the line of computer monitors alongside him flickering alive with each step he took. He stopped in front of his bed and swiveled around, eyeing the lone monitor that had caught up with him—it happened to be a hovering one.

"Why are you here anyway?" Dib queried, cocking a brow. He hadn't a clue why Computer was even hacking its way inside his house to begin with. Sure, he hadn't exactly snuck into Zim's base for the past month, entirely too irked to deal with the computer—he could still **feel** wire encircling his wrist, but he didn't think it would warrant him an unexpected visit.

The monitor disconnected from the wall, hovering in place for a second or two, before gradually zoning in towards Dib. The teen visibly jumped and took a hasty step backwards, the back of his knees thumping crudely against the mattress. He could hear the thrumming hum of the computer monitor, could feel the crackling heat radiating from the screen where it tickled at his face, and Dib couldn't help but gulp and take in a shuddering breath.

**/Your heart rate is erratic./**

"Huh?" Dib asked foggily, his eyes glazed over. His brain felt cloudy for some reason—muggy, as if his entire body was barreling through a mucky cloud. Maybe the heat was getting to him, he guessed. He took a lungful of breath and straightened himself, willing the haze away, however as much as he tried to sooth his nerves, his defenses were shot when Computer interrupted his reverie.

**/Perhaps you should lie down./**

* * *

**A/N: Hahhhhhhhh. Oh Computer. Sorry it's so short.**

**oAo**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So here's another chapter, woah! So fast! Okay, so the rating will definitely go up, but I'm not sure how far. I don't think I'm going to make this an NC-17 anytime soon :D Anywayyyyy, please read and enjoy!**

* * *

"_Huh?" Dib asked foggily, his eyes glazed over. His brain felt cloudy for some reason—muggy, as if his entire body was barreling through a mucky cloud. Maybe the heat was getting to him, he guessed. He took a lungful of breath and straightened himself, willing the haze away, however as much as he tried to sooth his nerves, his defenses were shot when Computer interrupted his reverie._

_**/Perhaps you should lie down./**_

* * *

"What?" Dib blurted, his heart pounding against his chest. No, he did not want to think of how positively immoral that had sounded, didn't want to think about it's _implications_. He laughed noiselessly to himself—surely, Computer wouldn't even have the programming to be cynical.

**/Really, you should stop that./**

"Stop what?" Dib questioned brusquely, the edge of the mattress pressing into his legs. Maybe if he tried shimmying to the side he could escape, but then wouldn't Computer just hover after him? Damn those cordless, hovering monitors of his!

**/Your heart rate has elevated to 103 beats per minute./**

"Uhhhhh," Dib uttered idiotically. He really had no idea what to say in return. Why would the machine even bother to point that out, it wasn't as if it didn't happen on a regular basis. His level of anxiety and stress habitually tripled that of a normal, customary person—he had a freaking alien to subdue and an entire planet to save, and regrettably, the side effects were inconsequential to his mission. "That's normal for me."

**/Your stress patterns are also-./**

"Okay, would you quit that!" Dib interrupted, managing to lose the last shred of his balance as he teetered over the edge of the bed. He let himself fall back and he hit the mattress with a dull thud, dust mites pooling into a cloud above him.

/**Quit whaaaaaaaat?/** Computer hovered even closer, suspended.

"Quit- I don't know! Quit observing—or something!" the teen replied, gesturing to all of his body. He flushed and turned away. "It's sort of invasive."

**/I wasn't trying to be invasive./**

"Whatever," Dib muttered, sitting up from his splayed out position on the bed. He rested back on his hands and tucked his knees towards his chest. His eyes steeled over as he gazed at the suspended monitor, earnestness hardening his resolve. "You haven't answered me. Why _**are**_ you here?"

**/-groooooooooan-/**

Dib blinked. "What…?"

**/I've noticed some things./**

No, really? The thing was advanced alien machinery, of course it would notice "a few things".

**/You haven't been around. Why?/**

"O-oh, yeah," Dib responded pathetically, hunching his shoulders, all seriousness seeping from him. He quirked a brow and mulled his thoughts, a torrent of ideas popping up inside his mind like wayward Internet ads. Maybe he had a hearing impairment, but it almost sounded like Computer had been inquisitive about his absence. He could never really stay away from Zim's base for more than week (plotting, always plotting!), and here he was going a full month, a no-show- it was preposterous! He looked back up at the monitor, which had strangely advanced upon him and hovered merely a few inches away. The hum from the screen was ever-present, nearly crackling with a steady thrum that strangely began to placate him. "I don't know, I've had…things to do."

**/You're lying./**

"Hey, don't accuse me of-!"

**/I'm going to perform a scan./**

Dib shut his mouth and reeled back, his eyes darting across the room. Surely it didn't have the sufficient means to do that? Computer only managed to hack into a simple monitor, not a hard drive, and he didn't think the screen had any hidden compartments or weapons, because he should know—it was his monitor. He scooted across the bed, his back thudding against the wall as Computer continued to hover in closer.

"Scan what? Why?" he asked guardedly, grabbing a nearby pillow and shielding himself with it. And then an idea hit him, which almost seemed to disappoint him for some reason, but he didn't let himself dwell on the feeling. "Wait—did Zim put you up to this? Hell no! I'm not gonna' give you any information on my vitals, so that he could-."

**/He won't know./**

"Wha…?" Okay, that was strange. Dib couldn't possibly fathom why Computer needed a scan from him if the information wasn't going to be used to the alien's advantage.

**/-sighhhhhhh- Calm down, it's not like I'm going to probe you./**

Dib instantly stilled and let a grimace etch across his lips. "Ew, that sounds so…"

**/Hn. Trust me./**

He stared at the screen that now hovered eye level to him, the white light illuminating his face, and surprisingly he didn't flinch away from the light, because it felt sort of soothing as it danced across his face, warmed his cheeks, tickled his- .

What the hell, woah! Just woah! Dib shook himself awake and pressed the pillow further into his chest, a half-assed attempt at a defensive shield. He let out a heady breath. "Is it going to hurt?"

**/Nope./**

It was a curt and concise answer, but it seemed to ease him. "And why are you performing this scan?"

**/…/**

Dib waited and waited for the computer's answer, and it felt like he had been waiting for millennia, before Computer replied with a fixed whir,

**/I want to show you something./**

Dib felt himself sigh and hunch over, before he tilted his head up and uttered, "Fine, just fine. I'll let you scan me, but so help me God, if you fuck something up or hurt me or give any of this info to Zim, I'll sneak into your base and rewire your whole system!"

**/I'd like that./**

Dib snapped his head. "What?"

**/Lie down./**

'_I'm hearing things_**,**' Dib thought incredulously, shaking his head. He definitely did not hear that—no, most certainly not. And as he threw the pillow away and scrambled towards the center of his mattress, he lied down on his back, nestling his hands atop his belly. He stared up at the ceiling and idly watched as the screen's luminous light jittered across the course surface—an eerie light show, he observed.

"How is this going to work?" Dib asked suddenly. He felt a dizzying sense of panic crawl up this throat, before the monitor hovered close, white light illuminating half of his face. "You're not gonna'…s-stick things into me, right?"

**/Relax, Dib./**

And he did. Dib let his eyelids flutter before his muscles grew lax, his body further sinking into the mattress. And just when he thought he couldn't be any more tranquil, a blinding blue light filtered across the room and eventually washed across his body like a wave.

He could feel it, but then he couldn't—it was rather hard to explain. The scanner was projecting from Computer, a solid beam of cerulean light streaming from the monitor where it washed across his toes and continued its way up the length of his body. It felt like being encased in vapor, and he was surprised to find that the sensor crackled against his skin, but not in an unpleasant way. It sort of felt…good.

Before he knew what he was looking it, he could see them.

They were pictures; snippets of memory that streamlined across his vision so rapidly that he was surprised he could even catch a glimpse of them. The first reel of images were astounding—they were snapshots of space, a hollow black void of glittering stars and shimmering planets and Dib could only think –_so beautiful, so fucking beautiful_- and he saw other things, things that frightened him. Green things, aliens, Irkens: doom, destruction, enslavement. **Conquest. **

Time seemed to skip, and he was looking at an empty lot on Earth.

'_Where Zim's base would be_,' he thought, astounded. The images he saw next were of no revelation to him- they were familiar, an everyday occurrence, mostly images consisting of Zim and Gir, Gir and Zim—dumb and dumber. The pictures seemed to grow mundane, tedious, until a flickering feeling rounded upon him: isolation.

He felt lonely, as if a hollow pit had formed within his body. For a moment, he seemed to take over Computer's persona and he watched as never-ending, tiresome days of botched conquest passed before him. He watched as Zim yet again screwed up another execution plan, watched as Zim still wouldn't **listen**, watched as Gir messed around with the lab equipment with no regard to Computer's wellbeing. And he hated it, hated being there, hated being used so improperly, so _**inadequately**_.

Dib didn't even know he was speaking these thoughts out, as if vocalizing for the machine, and as he awoke to a vacant room, Dib wondered if any of the images –_emotions_- were true.

He shot a glance to the floor where the monitor had dropped, devoid of any light, a substantial crack etched across the screen.

It was time he paid Zim's base a visit.

* * *

**A/N: Woahhh, sorry to go so crazy there at the end. Uhhh, review? They motivate me to write faster, radder, more adequate!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Okay, so I'm still continuing this bizarre crack fic. I'm happy that it so far managed to get good responses. **

**Anyway, next chapter. You know what to do at the end.**

* * *

'_Should I just sneak over?_'

Dib jittered about in his seat, occasionally tapping the pads of his fingers along the surface of his desk. He habitually bit at his lip, subconsciously gnawing at the tender flesh as his eyes danced across the class. He raised his head and scrutinized the class clock, locking it with a firm glare as he silently urged it to hurry the hell up.

'_Maybe I should just go home_,' he frowned, fiddling with his eraser, mindlessly picking away at it. '_There's always a chance he—__**it**__, might hack in again._'

"But what if he doesn't!" Dib nearly yelped, gripping the eraser so hard that it shot out his hand and hit Zita upside the head. He instantly stilled and leaned back into his chair, shooting Zita a cursory glance.

"Hey!" Zita yelled, turning around in her seat and fixing Dib with a heated scowl. She raised her hand and beckoned to the teacher, Miss. Bitters, who was agonizingly prattling on about a pending Junior Thesis paper. "Miss Bitters, Dib's being insane again!"

"Dib stop that, before I feed you to the hounds again," Miss Bitters automated, gnashing her serrated teeth in a feral grimace. She hunched her shoulders and cast a leering glare over the entirety of the classroom, before she floated back to her desk. She continued to drone on and on in that horrible, garbled speech of hers, while Zita kept on giving him a scathing look of contempt, and Dib didn't know if he could sit still for another 30 minutes without going bat-shit crazy.

'_Why the hell is she still alive anyway?_' he thought skeptically.

Meanwhile, directly opposite Dib's seat, Zim sat unmoving. His back was perfectly straight and his gloved hands were clasped firmly atop his desk, occasionally shooting an attentive glare at the paranormal investigator who was having such a difficult time remaining in his seat. What was the Dib-thing doing moving around like that? Did he have some sort of bowel movement?

'_This shouldn't be freaking me out as much as it is_,' Dib thought incredulously, biting down at his lip. '_But it's so creepy!' _He couldn't exactly shake the most recent encounter with Computer from his mind, no matter how much he tried to forget the whole thing and pretend it never happened.

But it did.

Computer had performed some kind of omnipresent scan on him, a sort of extraterrestrial mind-link or whatever the heck you'd call it, and it wasn't the awkwardness of the whole thing that irked him, but more of the scan's invasive nature that troubled him so. He loathed admitting it, but he had gotten a very brief glimpse into the inner psyche of a computer—a superior alien processor that could surprisingly feel "things". Perhaps it was a glitch in Computer's system, or maybe Dib was being too analytical, however despite what it claimed to be, Dib had definitely felt and seen some bizarre things.

He **really** needed to pay Zim's base a visit.

* * *

"Dib-thing."

Dib froze, however realizing whom the voice belonged to, continued to sling his satchel around his shoulder. He pushed his desk chair in, making an incriminating grating noise as it raked across the floor, warranting a hiss from Miss Bitters.

"Hyuuuman. Don't **act **as if I'm not **here**!" Zim barked, his arms pressed firmly at his sides. He gnashed his jagged teeth in disdain as Dib halted and warily turned around, hazel eyes shifting about, before the teen cast a weak grimace towards the Irken invader.

"Uh, what?" Dib questioned, fiddling with the strap of his satchel. There was a minute rip in the material where it attached to the bulk of his bag—he'd have to mend it soon before it ripped completely off. Zim continued to scrutinize the human, faux optics narrowed into harrowing slits, before casting a glance at Miss Bitters who was practically fuming at this point.

"Zim, Dib- **get out**," she growled, murky tendrils of swiveling black smoke coiling about her hunched form. The Irken rolled his eyes and scoffed, while Dib shrugged his shoulders and exited out the classroom.

"Okay, tell me," Zim commanded, his voice lowering. Dib blinked.

"Tell you what?" the human queried, turning around and stalking off. He didn't get very far before he heard Zim's clipped steps hurriedly catching up behind him.

"You're plotting something, aren't you Dib-filth?" Zim accused, pointing a gloved finger at Dib. The invader turned his head and glared at the human, a wicked smile etching across his green face. "Oh, I'm right aren't I? I knew it! You've been plotting something while squirming around in that seat of yours!"

'_Whaaa…was I squirming?_' Dib thought to himself, accidentally ramming into an open hallway locker. The owner of said locker hissed at him, and Dib merely pouted and rubbed at the impending bruise along his shoulder. Why was everyone hissing at him today?

"I'm …not plotting anything…" Dib trailed off, looking away. For some reason, he felt sluggish and slow, as if his head were lighter –miracle!- and his body was floating on air, and before he could stop himself, he blurted, "How's your computer?"

There was a pithy moment of silence, a silence so dreadful that Dib could taste the saliva accumulating in his mouth, before Zim yelled, "My computer is AMAZING, the best in Irken machinery! Nothing can compare to such an amazing computer such as the one I have…!"

And Zim continued to ramble on and on about how superior his race was, how intelligent and cunning and vindictive they all were, and Dib found himself not listening to a word Zim was spewing. He was very grateful the alien's ego managed to come in handy this time.

"Your computer is pretty amazing…" Dib found himself mumbling, and Zim halted his tirade of gloating supremacy, eyeing Dib from the corner of his eye.

"Eh?" the Irken quipped.

"Hm?" Dib shrugged.

Zim lowered his raised hands and fitted them by his sides. He glowered at the human. "You're acting stranger than normal, fleshling. But I DIGRESS, all you deplorable, **filthy** earth worms are ludicrous!"

And with that, Zim scurried away. "I'll have Computer keep an eye on you, Dib-thing!"

Dib halted and widened his eyes, watching Zim's retreating figure tapering out into the distance. A wracking shiver coursed through his body, churning the acids in his stomach, and in consequence to this mild-form of panic attack, he hiccupped.

Oh, that didn't sound good at all, what Zim had said. Dib didn't particularly want to be monitored by Computer again, and he when he thought back to his prior encounters with the Irken machine, a spasmodic shudder took over his body.

"Hell no," he breathed.

* * *

Maybe he should have given this a little more thought.

Dib stood in front of the looming structure of Zim's house. He had yet to step foot in the front yard, in fear of being zapped to death, and he was starting to think he should have prepared himself beforehand. He didn't have any of his equipment on him: no spy cameras, no deactivation beams…no computer. But really, this visit had been last minute—he had acted entirely on impulse. Now here he was, with no idea how he should coordinate his next movements without being charred beyond recognition. Maybe if he stared at the house long enough, stared at Computer (he kept forgetting Computer **was** Zim's house), something would happen. Perhaps Computer would deactivate the lawn gnomes for him?

Taking a deep breath, Dib hardened his resolve and placed a tentative step on the concrete pathway leading to the front door— a jolt of red immediately zapped from one of the lawn gnomes and left an inky black scorch mark where Dib's foot had been.

"Geez!" Dib yelped, jumping back as he cast a seething glare up at the house. "Was that completely necessary?"

As if in response, Zim's door tepidly clicked open, the hinges screeching shrilly as the door opened wider. Dib couldn't see anything beyond the door, just dank darkness, and the teen instinctively gulped. Hopefully that meant he could venture safely across the lawn without getting zapped on sight.

Erecting himself, Dib straightened out his coat collar and fixed his satchel in place, before taking a hesitant step forward. He closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable, but when nothing seemed to happen, Dib opened his eyes in relief and continued forward. His boots made a hollow clipping sound as he walked across the narrow concrete pathway, the front of his boots occasionally trampling over a trodden weed.

He halted before the threshold as he peered inside. He could see a faint flicker and glow in the distance, like that of a TV playing, and heard a series of shrill shrieks and giggles—Gir was watching TV.

"I'm surprised Zim hasn't been alerted yet," he mumbled to himself, backing away from the door. Just then, he heard something slide open from inside—it sounded like something was slithering towards him, accompanied by a series of whirs and trills. He gasped when a wire cable slinked through the doorway and wrapped itself around his wrist, tugging the boy along. Dib stumbled on his feet and practically jumped inside, the door shutting close behind him.

He was enveloped in darkness, save for the faint glare from the TV, and the thick wire encircling his wrist didn't relent, instead tugging him along in the dark as he tried not to stagger and fall flat on his face. The dwelling turned utterly silent then—he could no longer hear Gir's insane cackling, and in a matter of seconds, he heard the metallic clip of little fleet trotting madly across the floor, before he felt something grab onto his leg.

"Agh!" he yelled, kicking his leg out. When he peered down, he could see two teal-tinted saucers gazing up at him. Gir had attached himself to Dib's leg, cuddling his alloy face against Dib's jeans. A sketchy smile scrawled across the SIR unit's features, pink tongue lolling out.

"Are youuuuu here for the SLUMBER PARTY?" Gir shrieked, giggling manically. Dib gasped when the unit's head spun around, until it firmly locked in place as if nothing had happened. In the distance, Dib could hear a faint squeaking sound, and it continued to get louder as it drew near. A light flickered to life above him, not substantially bright, but light enough to make out the plump form of Minimoose floating beside Gir, it's bulbous eyes pointed in different directions.

"Squeak!"

"I loveded him too," Gir sniffed, rubbing a stubby metal hand at his eye.

"Oh, Minimoose, scared me sort of," Dib breathed, leaning forward. He pried Gir off his leg and held the robot aloft, shooting a bemused stare at the smiling Minimoose. Gir squinted his eyes and kicked his legs to and fro, as if dancing to some non-existent tune. "Uhhh, shouldn't Zim be here by now, ya' know, kicking me out and all?"

The wire cable retracted from around Dib's wrist and slithered up into the ceiling, a square tile sliding open to replace it with a moderately sized monitor attached to an alloy bar. The monitor lowered until it hovered face to face with Dib, the screen flickering to life and beaming a ghostly pallid light.

**/He's not here./**

"Okay then, where is he? 'Cuz you know, I don't exactly wanna' be caught without any weapons to defend myself and- ."

**/He left to retrieve specimens./**

Dib blinked and gently placed Gir on the ground, the SIR unit giggling madly as he turned around and sped off towards the TV, Minimoose squeaking happily behind him.

"Specimens? Is he plotting some half-assed scheme again?" Dib queried, crossing his lithe arms across his chest.

**/He won't be here for some time. I'm tracking his progress./**

Dib stilled, a numbing sensation taking residence at the base of his throat. He didn't like how that sounded. "O-okay, GPS, that's nice I guess."

His stomach churned as silence followed after, a bubbling pool of anxiety frothing at the pit of his belly. Given the situation, Dib didn't think it was such a good idea to act impulsively after all—this was just…awkward. What should he say, what should he do? Should he simply cut in and inquire about the scan Computer had performed on him those two days ago, or should he just make light conversation with the machine?

Wait.

'_What the hell, light conversation?_' Dib thought, thunderstruck. '_This is a fucking computer I'm talking about_ _here.'_

**/Your heart rate has elevated again./**

Dib sputtered, shooting the monitor a wary glare. "Dude, Computer—whatever! Stop scanning my vitals!"

**/Hn. I can't help it./**

"Why?" Dib bit out, folding his arms tight across his chest. He thought if he shielded his body away from the probing glare of the monitor, he could somehow block himself out—it didn't work.

**/ I was programmed that wayyyyy./**

"Oh. I guess…if you were programmed that way—no! Just don't okay?" Dib retaliated, side stepping the monitor. He hurriedly trotted to where Gir and Minimoose sat positioned in front of the TV, the Scary Monkey Show blaring across the flickering screen. He heard Minimoose squeak in glee, while Gir made cooing noises at the monkey.

'_This could be a good chance to poke around Zim's lab_,' Dib thought off-handedly, leaning against the living room couch. '_But I think Computer would mind if I did that…on account of…those images…'_

"Hey!" Dib suddenly yelped, turning his head. He gasped and fell back onto the couch, a gleaming monitor hovering only a few inches away from him. How'd Computer get there so fast?

"That…that scan," Dib started, sprawled across the length of the couch. He stared up at the looming monitor, the screen clipping once, before it stilled and hovered forward. "Those images…what kind of scan was that? I mean…I don't know what I mean."

Dib flushed and sat himself up, leaning back on the support of hands. He was making himself sound like a complete idiot—he couldn't even get a coherent sentence out.

"You did something to me, I saw it—felt it," Dib explained, bending his knees. He licked his lips and looked away, furrowing his brow. "It was sort of cool, but I don't understand…"

**/I suppose you wouldn't./**

"Huh?"

Computer whirred, a trilling sound coming from somewhere unknown. **/Hn./**

"What were they?" Dib whispered, voicing the question aloud.

**/You should go./**

Dib snapped his head up and glared at Computer, a protest forming in his mouth. "No way! You totally just side-stepped my question! And you owe me a new monitor!"

**/…it was unintentional./**

Dib threw his legs over the edge of the couch and stood up, standing eye-level with the now crackling monitor.

"What was unintentional? Ignoring my question? Breaking my monitor?" Dib queried, stepping closer to the screen. Heat emanated from the display, warming his face; he would have reveled in the warmth if he wasn't feeling so exasperated.

"Tell me what you- !"

Dib was brutally interrupted when the door burst open, an irate Irken invader standing at the threshold with a writhing potato-sack hanging from his shoulder.

"I smell** human _filth_."**

* * *

**A/N: Oh, that Minimoose.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: SORRY OH GOD. Geeze, I haven't updated this in a friggin' while. Anyway, here we go!**

* * *

Dib felt his heart plunge. He could feel the faint crackle of static and electricity whir beside him as Computer pulled away, dangling off to the side, monitor facing the irate alien who stood glowering at the front door.

"I thought you said you were tracking him?" Dib whispered. He didn't expect an answer.

**/Distracted./**

Dib meekly nodded, taking a cautious step backwards. Zim watched the human's every movement, faux eyes slanted into harrowing slits. The Irken's eye color was a fierce cobalt blue instead of the customary lavender, and Dib wondered if the alien had a whole arsenal of assorted contacts at his disposal.

"Why are you here, **human filth**?" Zim scowled, slit tongue poking from between his serrated teeth. He shifted the writhing potato sack still strung over his shoulder, his three-fingered hands tightening around the bunched material. The alien took a moment to assess Computer, which merely hung there suspended in mid-air, it's screen still glowing that uncanny white light.

"Computer, why are you just hovering there?" Zim barked, taking a singular step inside. The alien's pointed boot slammed against the tiled floor, a resounding thud reverberating across the flooring. "Kick it out!"

"Hey, I'm not an '_**it**_', you bug!" Dib countered, his lips twisting into a frown.

"Computer, **NOW**!" Zim hissed, hauling the sack over his shoulder and smacking it against the ground- the sack immediately stopped moving. Dib didn't know if he should feel repulsed or reassured that it was no longer mobile. Whatever was in that sack was certainly dead now.

In the next instant, Dib felt a familiar slithering cable wrap around his wrist, the wiring cool and smooth against his skin. With a sharp tug, much harsher than it felt, Dib was sent nearly jogging across the living room, Computer hovering towards the doorway ahead. Dib looked above him, mesmerized by the ceiling tiles that slid out of place, allowing the monitor to zip across the ceiling without hindrance. Before Dib even got to the threshold, a gloved hand smacked against his chest, further halting him.

"Wait," Zim quipped, dropping his hand by his side. Computer rotated and stared down at the pair. Dib's breath hitched as he drew away, the wire still wrapped tight around his wrist. He subconsciously fingered the wire tubing, picking at the cables that only managed to tighten around his skin.

Meanwhile, Zim dropped the sack to the ground, no longer concerned about its comatose contents, and leaned forward, the tapered tips of his antennae brushing along Dib's collar. The Irken pulled back, one eye slanted, before he clasped his gloved hands behind his back and puffed out his chest.

"You smell sweet," he breathed, a sickening smirk slithering along his lips.

Dib didn't even know how to respond to that. He furrowed his brow, his fingers still picking at the cables holding him prisoner, and sneaking a quick glimpse at the monitor still hovering above, Dib merely did a double take. Did the monitor just turn red? He stared up at the screen, which was now a solid white. The wire tightened even more.

"I had…Mexican bread on the way over here," Dib whispered, ignoring the alien who was inspecting him as if here were a slab of cooked meat. Dib instinctively moved towards the door, the outside air tangling in his hair.

"Hm, I'll have to look into this bread of Mexico," Zim mumbled. Snapping himself to attention, a malicious scowl contorted his face. "Computer, throw him out at once! GIR! Get over here! And bring Minimoose!"

"Okie dokieeeee!"

With one final tug, Dib was sent flying over the threshold, landing face first against the concrete pathway lining the front yard. He could feel Computer's cable slither away from him, and when he tried to right himself, he had the feeling he was being watched, even when he finally stood up and turned away.

"Don't you ever sneak in here again!" Zim hissed, his voice venomous. "Next time I won't let you leave!"

With that, the door slammed shut, and Dib was sent awkwardly traipsing down the pathway, a flush to his cheeks.

There was a faint crackle and hum of electricity again, and words seemed to digitize through thin air,

**/Be in your room tonight./**

And then Dib heard nothing. Cleaning out his ears, he glimpsed warily at the garden gnomes that followed his every move, their tiny little bodies rotating with every step he took, and when he managed to finally step foot off the property, Dib took one last look at Zim's base, and fled.

* * *

**A/N: So short, so sorry. I promise, next time will be longer than this. OTL**

**Please leave a review!**


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